i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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