i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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