Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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