I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
