did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
