We won't sleep together?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
