Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
