remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
