absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
