dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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