PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize