It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am naked and annoyed.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize