God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
foreskin is a definite game changer
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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