I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
