I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
