Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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