If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
