ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
