Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
