i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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