If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
