i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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