her vagine was all disorganized.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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