and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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