Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
