i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
