so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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