Don't make out with my wife yet
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
