Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We left the knife in your bed.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Terrible idea I love it
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I deserve this hangover.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
