The maid of honor just puked.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize