just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
