did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
