Don't make out with my wife yet
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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