I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
