Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
