So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
