i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
