Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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