she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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