There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize