i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
pop tarts are not kleenex
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
