My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
