Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Randomize
