I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
