We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
