I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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