WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
