I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
