Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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