Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
