when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
