Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
