my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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