I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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