i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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