Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
