xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize