Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
