I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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