and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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