Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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