u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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