I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
