Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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