There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
