Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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